the art of emotional telepathy

i hate cancer, milk, every single rich person i go to school with that lives in allston on their parent's money but wears fashionably fucked up clothing, being an adult, people that aren't adults yet, money, economics, plastic bags, the fact that bugs are gross but i don't like smushing them, biostatistics, poorly dyed hair, laundry, my dirty floor, losing things, not being able to sleep, not being able to get up, losing touch with music, taking a shower when i have burns on my hands, missing everyone, being scared, feeling overwhelmed, doing the dishes, firefox, andy dick. ajdslfk jaldkfj akldjfakldjfalkdfj adfad.

i want to have kids so that they can be positive entities in such a shitty world. people say, why would you want to bring someone into this? because my kids won't be assholes, thats why. they will hold doors for people and they wont eat animals because theyll know its wrong. theyll listen to regina spektor to go to sleep when theyre lonely and they wont have cable. and they wont suck. maybe i suck, but they wont. i want to have them now so they can get down to business. i cant do anything to fix all the things i thought i could fix. i hate international relations because it doesnt matter. what does matter is how a father of six wakes up every morning in iraq or palestine or afghanistan knowing that theres no hope, that he might not come home, that some jackass from kansas might come and shoot his dog in the face in front of his kids just because he can. all big problems are made up of tiny little problems that are so much more important than the big picture. five year olds dont cry when they hear on the news that the US has "secured baghdad" or is sending more troops overseas in an asinine attempt to complete iraqs inevitable downward spiral into failed statehood. they cry when their house gets blown to pieces and they cant go outside to play with their cousins anymore because theres a curfew and because they have no more cousins. i dont know how to fix those little problems but i want to, and because i cant i will have kids that will make someone elses little problems go away somehow.

i don't like joanna newsom. there. i said it.

school's almost half over, which means i'm halfway to getting a job (or at least i'm supposed to) that is technically known as "a career." a career in what, you ask? i dunno. i'm not even remotely sure what an international relations major does. i don't like money - because i usually don't have any and can't add - so nothing with economics. i don't care enough about america to want to further any causes here, so no policy or any of that crap. i need an internship is what it comes down to. in liiiiike, an NGO or something like that. i.e. the red cross or amnesty international. for some reason that just seems so idealistic, like i'd just be dicking around trying to sell christmas cards or something.

ANYWAYS schools almost done. i'm working full time at the restaurant this summer to try and save money so i don't have to work as much during the next school year and can therefore calm down. because right now i'm stressed and am freaking out on everyone i love to the point where i've been told to shut up about 6 times since yesterday morning. finals suck.

BEST WEATHER EVER.

i listened to transatlanticism today for the first time since forever and it was stupid because i should've been in a driveway cleaning cars and singing loudly and annoying the neighbors and then going to the beach and sneaking under the fence but i wasn't. now i'm sad and i miss home and i hate that i can never actually "go home" because someone else is living in my house and my real house in new hampshire holds absolutley no memories or feelings of home for me. i guess this apartment is my home because i'm here 90% of the time but it's not the same. all of my roommates go home for holidays and they're excited to see their friends and their family and to be back where they'd been for so long. i go home for a holiday and i end up in new hampshire where i don't know the roads or the people and there's no beach or all-american or friends or anything. just my grandparents whom i love dearly, but it's lacking so much. i also have to stop watching movies about the last days of high school (i.e. can't hardly wait) because it makes me so nostalgic for the summer before i came to school. which at the time i thought was just okay, but when i think about it it was pretty amazing.

i miss the beach i miss the beach i miss the beach and its funny because i hate sand and im generally pissed off that its so fucking hot every time im actually there.

ILLEGAL SEX!

lis won the tech award in 8th grade.


HAPPY SAINT PATRICKS DAY!!!

dear boston,
if you snow on friday, we're through. i'll move somewhere more predictable - oh saaaay ohio. where things are consistently boring.
love,
johnna

living in my own apartment has made me realize two things: first, things get dirty and you have to clean them. second, everything breaks. all. the. time.

our shower gets clogged about once a month because there's four girls living here and i guess hair just constantly gets caught in there. which is gross to think about but whatevs. so i finally called joe the maintenance man to come over and snake the drain, apparently draino would just make the pipes disintegrate and the entire building would fall down. he used this weird air gun to push everything down (i guess? i ain't no bob villa), but when he did it all the crap in the tub drain came shooting out the sink. and when i say shooting i mean geyser-esque. it's on the ceiling. i'm relatively sure that what's on our ceiling is the month's worth of dirt, dead skin and hair that's come off of the four of us. it's disgusting and makes me think of that scene in nightmare on elm street when that guy is being dragged around and killed on the ceiling.

ewwwww.

new gurnal. lers has a xanga, and everyone else has a livejournal, so now i do too (again). apparently in highschool i was much more adept at all this livejournal crap - because now i can't for the life of me figure out how to customize it. this is as far as i got. on the upside though, i still have the rest of this week with NOTHING TO DO aside from work because it's spring break and everyone in their right mind went home or on a fo realz vacation. which means i've got plenty of dicking around time.

the question of summer has been brought up alot lately. alot of my friends are staying in boston, which is great because i hear it's dead around here with all the students gone. i'm definitley staying because i have the apt and rent to pay and would rather not sublet or spend another 3 months in new hampshire or the summertime-oven which is my mom's apartment. i don't want to take classes though. i had a dream last night that i asked someone about taking summer classes and they literally started to cry. for some reason i think it was justin schwartz. weird. instead of taking legit classes i think i'm gonna drop the $915 and get certified as an EMT. this could either be a collosal waste of money or an amazing revelation as to what i want to do with the rest of my life. i know for sure that i do not want to be an international relations major. ever. ever ever ever. i like reading and thinking, but i'd rather be doing. college is boring me, i'm not trying hard enough and i feel ilke i'm wasting my time.

blah blah blah ...